Realizations

As the days burn by on my journey through life, the fact that my own mortality occurs to me more often is strange. My prolific diet of nicotine, caffeine and alcohol becomes more questionable in this journey with multiple stops but no destination. Goals and achievements become both coveted and tarnished when held up to the prism of my own mortality.

For the first time in my life I find myself wondering if I should eat healthier, perhaps exercise and (God forbid) quit smoking. The notion of leaving this world is not a nightmare-fueled fear, but rather a bittersweet concession to reality. I have no fear of death, but rather a nagging notion that I have more to do before I can embrace the eternal rest of death. I have always accepted my own mortality, even used it to justify my optimism at every day spent on Earth, so self-awareness is not the cause for this sudden preoccupation with my own mortality.

Rather it is the mortality of others that has me contemplating my own mortality. From the unexplainable loss of a newborn to the slow living-death of a parent, my own lack of reverence for my time spent on Earth has me examining my life. Quality has always trumped quantity in my personal evaluation of my own life, I just never had to deconstruct and closely examine my personal definition of quality before.

The pursuit of happiness becomes less clear as my experiences accumulate, forcing me to discard the habitual acceptance of short-term contentment for the more opaque acceptance of implied responsibilities and relationship-based commitments.

In the context of family and business obligations, what I once considered self-destructive personal decisions now are seen as irresponsible hedonism. My own health and longevity are no longer the sole ante paid in this game, but it is the responsibilities that I can not fulfill if not alive that are the true cost.

I have successfully avoided both matrimony and procreation in a conscious attempt to limit my own liability and increase my long-term freedom, and still believe that neither equals salvation in any conceivable shape or form. Yet changing family dynamics and the choices of others has placed me in the position where my continued existence now outweighs my contentment with my current life. This realization has been avoided for years, but recent events have made its denial impossible, and as with most things, once it has been learned it can not be unlearned.

The only question that remains is if perspective can be altered in order to extract contentment from the fulfillment of implied responsibilities as easily as excitement was extracted from the avoidance of concrete responsibilities.