Deadly Strain

Prior to becoming an English major, Biology was my forte. Given my extensive research in microbiology, I feel confident in asserting that I have nailed down a virulent strain that has been plaguing college campuses nationwide since the dawn of time. Put on your mask. No, not the little green one with the nifty strings that tie around your ears. I’m talking the level four containment mask.

Procrastitis bacillus is a deadly gram negative rod striking everyone from lowly freshman to on-the-verge-of-graduating seniors. It enters through the mouth, generally accompanying hops or barley over spring break. By the time school has returned to normal it has lodged itself deep in the central nervous system.

Incubation period is approximately 5-10 days. Initially, after returning from break individuals will pursue studies with considerable vigor. During this period P. bacillus is rapidly multiplying, infiltrating the cerebrum, ears, eyes, hands, and feet.

When the viral load has reached approximately one million P. bacillus individuals, symptoms will become manifest:

-First, pupil will find their hands incapable of writing notes or typing papers
-Then, pupil’s brain will no longer be able to process information being taken in through pupil’s viral laden eyes and ears
-Finally, pupil’s feet will refuse to take pupil to class

Penicillin is ineffective.

There is no known cure.