Jail Bait Valentine.

TODD BURSZTYN’S “VALENTINES DAY ANGST”
The Valentine's Day Massacre approacheth like a deck of cards, and red hearts play the part of arrows from an ancient firing squad. Eros looses a volley of misandry into the hordes of dumbfounded men who must surprise, woo, and romance or be shunned for a brief eternity. Women are very demanding when it comes to this faux holiday, and threaten to unleash their scorn upon he who doesn't satisfy, which is frustrating for us guys who know that Valentine's Day is more about profiteering rituals than love-making. Oh sure, it's a day for couples to show their appreciation for one another, but when affection is measured quantitatively, guys begin to sweat.

Valentines Day is a waste of a perfectly good day in February. It is martyred by roses and expensive chocolates, for no apparent reason. I actually found out how Valentines Day even started, and it added more cynicism to my already present Valentines hatred that I obviously share with another person in this class. Long story short, St. Valentine was some guy who wrote this chick a letter from jail. Yes, he was in jail. Way to go, society and Hallmark. At the end of his letters that declared his undying love for her, he signed, “Your Valentine.” Which really isn’t anything special, since his name was Valentine. Plus, he was in jail, so what else is there to do but write people letters? So, this amazing situation is what has caused complete isles in stores to be dominated by red and pink crap for people in relationships to buy eachother. I don’t want to be a bitter Betty, but I’m not going to try very hard to not be.